That's What I Love About Texas!

I received this email today from the lovely Left of Lost and I had to share - even though I'm an "adopted" Texan, you know I'm crazy about this place.  This email proves why even more!

JUST TEXAS
Pep , Texas 79353
Smiley , Texas 78159
Paradise , Texas 76073
Rainbow , Texas 76077
Sweet Home , Texas 77987
Comfort , Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530

Love the Sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise , Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray , Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423

Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
Pearland , Texas 77581
Orange , Texas 77630
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556

Why travel to other cities? Texas has them all!
Detroit , Texas 75436
Cleveland , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Klondike , Texas 75448
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
Pasadena , Texas 77506
Columbus , Texas 78934

Feel like traveling outside the country?
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian, Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Ireland , Texas 76538
Italy , Texas 76538
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
Palestine , Texas 75801

No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791

We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031

We have a city named after our state
Texas City , Texas 77590

Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452

Cold?
Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas

Like to read about History?
Santa Anna , Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo , Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas
Robert Lee , Texas

Need Office Supplies?
Staples, Texas 78670

Want to go into outer space?
Venus , Texas 76084
Mars , Texas 79062

You guessed it. It's on the state line.
Texline , Texas 79087

For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560

Other city names in Texas , to make you smile......
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box , Texas 77853
Old Dime Box , Texas 77853
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079

And last but not least, the Anti-Al Gore City
Kilgore , Texas 75662

And our favorites...
Cut n Shoot, Texas
Gun Barrell City , Texas
Hoop And Holler, Texas
Ding Dong, Texas and, of course,
Muleshoe , Texas

You May Live in Texas...

• If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas
• If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas
• If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas
• If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas
• If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas
• If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas
• If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas
• If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas
• If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph --you're going 80 and everybody's passing you, you may live in Texas
• If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly,' you may live in Texas
• If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with all your Texas friends, you definitely live in Texas

Here are some little known, very interesting facts about Texas .

1. Beaumont to El Paso : 742 miles
2. Beaumont to Chicago : 770 miles
3. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
4. World's first rodeo was in Pecos , July 4, 1883
5. The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water. Destroyed by Hurricane Ike -2008!
6. The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full-time coach at Rice University in Houston
7. Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America
8. Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America 's only remaining flock of whooping cranes
9. Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978
10. The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900, caused by a hurricane, in which over 8,000 lives were lost on Galveston Island
11. The first word spoken from the moon, July 20,1969, was " Houston ," but the space center was actually in Clear Lake City at the time
12. King Ranch in South Texas is larger than Rhode Island
13. Tropical Storm Claudette brought a U.S. rainfall record of 43' in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July of 1979
14. Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, (known as the Constitution of 1845 by the Republic of Texas to enter the Union ) instead of by annexation. This allows the Texas Flag to fly at the same height as the U.S. Flag, and may divide into 5 states
15. A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old
16. Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state
17. Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period in Dr Pepper
18. Texas has had six capital cities: Washington -on- the Brazos, Harrisburg , Galveston ,Velasco, West Columbia and Austin
19. The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S. which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington DC (by 7 feet)
20. The San Jacinto Monument is the tallest free standing monument in the world and it is taller than the Washington monument
21. The name ' Texas ' comes from the Hasini Indian word 'tejas' meaning friends. Tejas is not Spanish for Texas
22. The State Mascot is the Armadillo (an interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies. They have one egg, which splits into four, and they either have four males or four females
23. The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston

Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas :
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Y'all git all that?

Never Attempt Conversation Before Four Cups of Coffee

Scene:  Manbug and I are sitting in our respective "offices" - separated by a hallway. 
(His is truly an office.  Mine? It's the guest room with a desk.  A very, very small desk. This must be remedied soon).

Sound:  In the distance, I hear Manbug's email alert go off - I may have mentioned this before, but he has set a personal alert on his Outlook, so that when he receives an email, you hear the following from his computer (the relevant statement starts around 9 seconds and ends around 12):



In order to put context to this story, please understand that my husband receives no fewer than 200 emails a day.  That's a lot of Scarface for one woman to handle.

Audience hears the tortured voice of Al Pacino in the distance..."All I have in this world is my balls, and my word."

Me:  (grumpy only having ingested four sips of coffee) That doesn't even make sense!

Manbug:  What do you mean it doesn't make sense?  It's a very profound statement.

Me:  How so?

Manbug:  All he has - all he can rely on - is what he says, and his nut sac. And by nut sac he means himself.

Me:  You're not helping your argument.

Manbug:  Well, nut sac is a euphemism for himself.  He means all he has is himself (I hear a "thump" from the other room - I can only assume Manbug thumped his chest for affect) - he's including his arms and legs of course.

Me:  Actually, I think that's the exact definition of the opposite of euphemism.

Mabug:  (barrels on paying no heed to my lesson in correct usage of the word euphemism)  It just wouldn't sound as sexy if he said, "All I have in this world is my left arm, meaning my entire body, and my word."

Me:  Noted.

Off in the distance the audience again hears the tortured voice of Al Pacino, "All I have in this world is my balls, and my word."  Both characters sip on their morning coffee and hope that they get smarter as the day progresses.

End scene.

Weekend Recap - Um, From Last Weekend Too

I've been a bad blogger - the weekend out-of-town threw off my schedule so I'm going to catch you up on all the "exciting" (read "completely boring") goings-on in my life.  I've seen the bullet-form blog post used in a lot of different places, but I give credit to all who have gone before me in this creative tool to get the writing juices flowing - not my idea.  Here you go:

 

LAST WEEKEND:

• The weekend in BFE, Louisiana was relaxing - there were naps, and gun shooting and lots of home-cooked meals and birthday cake.
• There was also another Giants' loss and much ribbing from my beloved father-in-law to their loss the previous week to a certain NFL team from Louisiana.
• Manbug and I had a HUGE fight on Friday night - the night before his birthday.  When we woke up Saturday morning, I wasn't even sure that I was going to go with him.  But after a heartfelt apology and a pathetic "This birthday sucks" statement, I hopped in the shower, forgave him and drove the entire five hours so he could do some work in the car. It was a perfect day for a drive.
• Fights suck but making-up rocks (especially when it wasn't your fault.).  :)
• When raccoons get hit by cars, their corpses look like they are resting peacefully on their front paws as they gaze at traffic. I know this because we saw at least 25 dead raccoons on the side of the road (I stopped keeping count after that).
• The bed in one of my in-laws' guestrooms is a double and my husband rolled on top of me in his sleep no fewer than 10 times in the two nights we slept there. We are barely surviving with a queen, so a double is just not-doable.
• Sadly, most of the relaxation from the weekend was erased on the drive home - POURING rain and lots of logging trucks on the two-lane highway that brings us back to Austin.  The previous five hour trip took us SEVEN hours.  SEVEN.

THIS WEEKEND (MEANING THIS PAST WEEKEND, NOT THIS UPCOMING WEEKEND):

• I'm going to consider our first Halloween in our new home a "success" - we had a good number of trick-or-treaters and I only stuck my foot in my mouth three times (sometimes I just panic around kids - not sure why).
• Our over-flowing bowl of candy was reduced to about a handful!
• There are no street-lamps in our neighborhood so it gets very, very dark.  We lined our walkway with these to help kids find their way -

• The directions on these little treasures advise you to fill the bag with sand. FYI - Lowe's only sells bags of sand, the smallest of which was 50 pounds.  What the hell was I supposed to do with the other 49 1/2 pounds?
• So instead, I thought I would buy the smallest bag of "crap to weigh down a small bag" available in the Garden Department - a small bag of polished stones that are meant for decorative ponds. But this tiny bag was $34! The semi-comatose employee in that department said they were $10 - which I explained to the cashier.  She ended up giving them to me for that price because there was a hole in the bag (mind you, someone was going to find a fully broken-open bag under some shelving that night.  Ahem.  It was HEAVY!).
• So here are my sad pathetic attempts at capturing our house on Halloween night:

•  Can you see in that last picture how dark our freaking neighborhood gets! It's truly scary.
• Thankfully, my husband's choice of movies for that night wasn't all that scary - so I didn't get too afraid.  The movie, "Nuke' Em High," contained lines such as "I don't give a wet fart what you think" and "Make like a hockey stick and get the puck out of here."  It was truly, one of his worst picks - but we watched it through to the end.

So, in short - we didn't really celebrate Halloween, but it was a pretty good weekend.  I hope everyone had a great time!

P.S.  Can someone PLEASE tell me if there is a way to spellcheck on the new version of blogger?  I CAN'T STAND THIS!

Blackout

I'm going black.

It is my husband's 36th birthday tomorrow (in 8 minutes). We have had a horrific time of it as of late. We are going to run away this weekend and not talk to anyone. Except each other. And perhaps his family (since we'll be staying at their house). 

I gave him his gifts:  18 year old Scotch, 3 9 year old cigars, a 1.5 hour massage, a reserved/prepaid Call of Duty game that is released on Nov. 10th, Bottlecaps, a Hershey bar, socks, two shirts and a movie.

Our real gift is a trip we plan to take in December (god willing). 

And I plan to enjoy it to the nth degree.  But in the meantime, please wish the man that I love a Happy Birthday!

You Look...eh, Okay Tonight

Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" came on the radio today when I was returning from some errand-running and I was immediately transported back in time to my freshman year of college. I recalled sitting on a friend's bed as she picked out the "perfect outfit" for the big night ahead.  She was debating giving up her virginity that night to her boyfriend and explained that he wanted their song to be "Wonderful Tonight" because he always thought of her when Eric sings "brushing her long blond hair."

I had many thoughts at the time - they ranged from (1) That is the most shallow song I've ever heard - clearly the guy is only concerned with the way the woman looks and not how she feels, to (2) doesn't he just get drunk and fall asleep at the end of the night and finally, and most importantly, (3) how in God's name did you manage to graduate high school a virgin?

[Please don't be shocked at this revelation.  No, I wasn't a virgin when I got married at the decrepit old age of 37.  My high school and classmates were very, very similar to the "90210" plot-line.  Seriously].

Bless her heart - she ended up having sex with him - not that night, but a few weeks later during a school break. I was happy for her.  Even though I knew there was a cheesey ballad playing in the background when her cherry was popped.

As my mind returned to the present - I burst out laughing. I thought of the song that was playing when I first "did the deed" and honestly, where the heck did I get off judging?

If the category was "Best Soundtrack for Sex," I did not win the prize. Especially if the subcategory was "First Time." 

Granted, I still think of that moment when I hear the song - but it was a bad song.

I can't even bring myself to tell you the song, but let's just say that it involved Nicole Richie's father and he had a feeling down deep in his soul that he just can't lose.

I had a much happier song-related memory as I was getting my hair cut this weekend.  A bride was in the chair next to having her hair done for her wedding day, over the hair dryers I heard the song that my husband and I chose as our first dance at our reception.




Let's just say that I'm happy that Mr. White trumped Mr. Richie when all was said and done.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

My husband isn't a big one for public displays of affection. Or talking about emotions. In fact, he's not one for grand gestures at all. Then again, I blame Hollywood for my intense need to have someone's love validated by holding up a boom box outside my bedroom window or riding an actual white horse into my classroom while wearing knight's armor.  (By the way, I don't teach and I'm never in a classroom).

I can actually remember the specific dates for the last time he bought me flowers (March 19, 2009 - surprised me with a huge bouquet at the airport when he picked me up after a week's trip solo to NYC) or jewelry (December 25, 2008).

That being said, sometimes he does these amazing little gestures that melt my heart.

My husband has turned into a fanatical lawn guy since we bought our new house in July.  Granted, we were gifted with a GORGEOUS lawn, but he drank the suburban Kool-Aid and he's turned Hank Hill to a certain degree now.  The last few weeks, he has been unable to mow the yard at all due to the hurricane-like rains that Austin has been receiving (of course, only on on the only days that he has the time to do yard work).

Last night, we had about an hour and a half before a new storm started.  We raced outside so that he could mow the yard and I could sweep up the metric ton of leaves that the "beautiful and quaint" pecan tree poops onto our back deck every day.

It started to rain as we were finishing up and this morning I looked out to see this:

What is that you ask?  Why do we have a "landing strip" in the otherwise Brazilian lawn of ours? Because I had mentioned, a few days ago, that I loved the small group of wildflowers that were blooming in this part of the yard.

So he mowed around them so I could enjoy them for a while longer.

Of course you can't because the picture doesn't really show them. I mentioned this and my husband insists that they closed for protection from the weather.  In other words, they are "sleeping." We'll see.

Extended Deadline: When Pills Aren't Enough-Session II

Please note that the deadline below for submitting your entriest has been extended until this Friday, October 9, 2009.

Announcing: When Pills Aren't Enough-Session II

Well, it's that time again!

Basically, this is how it works:

You send an email to alittleleftoflost (at) gmail(dot)com in order to participate. Go ahead and give the link to your blog as well. Let her know if there is anything you do not want posted on your blog (such as cussing, sex issues, etc.).

Then you send your post. It can be about ANYTHING. Nothing is off-limits here.You are welcome to send all of it at once, in one email. In fact, I might lick your face if you do that, just to keep it simple for my overloaded brain.

I will send your post to another participating blogger to be posted on their blog. We will all post the guest posts on the same day.

If you wish to have an under-the-radar, sneeky pen name for your post, go right ahead. Just put it in the email. If you want your blog to be linked on your post, let me know.

Here's the great part: It's a round-robin sorta thing, so if your guest post goes on Participant #1's blog, Participant #1's guest post will not go on your blog, but on Participant #2's blog. That way, no one that normally reads your blog (like your mother or your nosy secretary) will be able to find your guest post!

Feel free to grab the button here, and post it on your blog. Go ahead and tweet about it, promote it on your blog; the more the merrier!

• Contribution must be sent in by tomorrow, Wednesday, October 7th.

• Guest posts to put on your blog will be sent by Monday, October 12th.

• We will all publish the guest posts on the same day: Wednesday, October 14th.

If you have any questions, feel free to email me.

Now, get to ranting!

It Made Me Laugh, It Made Me Cry - It Was Better Than Cats!

I'm alive. I've been in a bit of a funk lately - but I think I might be willing to share my experience with y'all thanks to two  ladies who really cheered me up last night.

You see - things are hard in Internet-land - they are not always as they seem, and people aren't always who you think they are.  But it's also a wonderful place that had provided me with four ears in this new hometown of mine - and I love it for that.

Today involved spreadsheets and numbers and lots of work.  But tomorrow will be better and I promise I'll be better about writing and commenting soon.

Miss y'all a lot!

How to Talk Your Way Out of a Ticket

Friday's mail included what I believe to be the pièce de résistance for our new home. Two updated Texas driver's licenses with our new address. I anxiously ripped open the envelope to look over the contents - first Manbug's license:  (1) tanned picture taken two days after his last Mexico vacation, check; (2) full name, check; (Manbug goes by his middle name since he shares his first name with his dad - something I didn't even know about him until we were dating for almost a year); (3) updated address, check.

I then opened my envelope: (1) picture from just before the wedding with long hair that doesn't look anything like me anymore, check (also, wearing a black sweater so my hair blends in with sweater and makes me look decidedly-Rapunzelish); (2) married name, check; (3) updated address - well, crap! There was a typo in the name of our new street - an errant "A" that changed the address remarkably.  I checked my receipt and sure enough, it was my error.  This time....the last error that I had on a driver's license, however, was not.  It was, similarly, the mere addition of a vowel, but oh - how it changed my address and helped me get out of a well-deserved ticket.

When I moved to Dallas after law school, I was very, very reluctant to give up my New York driver's license.  It was the only remaining vestige of my life as a Manhattanite, and I clung to it with passion. The decision was made for me when I received a ticket and was forced to get a Texas version.  As a result, I suspect I had a bit of an attitude when the DMV clerk told me that I had to actually hand over the NY license - I could not just apply for a new Texas version.  In retrospect, I was likely more of a bitch to her than warranted, but don't worry - she got me back.

You see, I lived in this lovely little community on White Rock Lake in Dallas, on a quaint little street called Poppy Drive.  Where did my license say I lived?

POOPY DRIVE.  I can only imagine the laughter at my expense at the DMV the day that address was entered into the database.

Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled when I received the license in the mail and I made no immediate plans to return to the DMV to have it corrected.

One morning, a few weeks later, I was running late to work since I hadn't yet learned how to juggle my 80 hour work weeks.  I ran out of the apartment with my hair soaking wet, no make-up on and wearing a less-than-ironed blouse.  As I sped out of the garage, I veered too close to the wall and succeeded in knocking off the passenger side rearview mirror. I looked at it, hanging from an electrical cord, and decided I didn't have the time or the patience to deal with it.  I pulled out onto the main road, and as my speed increased, the mirror swung back and forth, with alternating thumps on the door and window.  I knew I had to pull over and deal with it, but I didn't have a minute to spare.  I threw the car into 5th and saw something out of the corner of my eye - a cop.  He quickly put his lights on and pulled me over.  I can only imagine what he thought as he walked up to my car - the mirror was still swinging to and fro, and tears had started to well up in my eyes. Clearly, I wasn't handling this independent living very well.

"License, registration and insurance, please," he said as he cautiously peered into my window. 

I handed over the paperwork and quickly added, "Officer, there's a small typo in my license so it won't match the other information exactly."

He glanced everything over and laughed out loud - "Poopy Drive? Where is that?"

"It's just east of Shit Boulevard," I replied as the tears started pouring down my face.

He burst out laughing, went back to his car and returned with a pair of clippers.  He efficiently cut off the dingleberry mirror, walked around to my driver's side and handed it to me. "You're having a bad day, I can tell.  But slow down - it's not worth getting hurt over.  And whatever you do, do NOT get that typo fixed.  You just made my day."

He patted my hand and was on his way, still chuckling as he pulled away.

Unfortunately, my current typo isn't funny in the least, so I guess I should just trek to the DMV, correct my address and get the horrific photo updated.